Wasn't easy for me to get out of bed today. Was in total agony for the fact that my eyes were swollen from yesterday excessive crying. Oh boy, I dun even dare to look into the mirror to see how bad i've tranform overnight. I'm glad to be wearing specs if not i will scared everyone at work. In fact, some of my observant colleague asked about my eyes. I just have to come up with some white lies to shoo them off from commenting.

It ain't easy working while my heart and soul ain't at work. I was so restless and moody. All i could think about is that matter. What she had said to me. How much I miss her. HOw much i wish nothing had happen.. but i know it can never be the same anymore. Though, officially nothing have start..but things were already more than friends. The bond was there.. or maybe it was all one sided again. I dunno. I lament at myself. I felt so foolish to trust love when love failed me time and time again. Yes, I was over with my past relationship with Z but this... IS yet another blow which i told myself if it does happen.. i will not trust anyone who claim to love me anymore. The reality is hard to accept and so was the pain.. it pierce right into my heart.

Whether can i put this aside and face the world with a smiley face... yes i know i will be able to acheive that.. but inside me the wound will nv heal.. jsut like a RD. It's pointless to heal anyway. Becos i have no faith in love... I can't trust love no more.

Tears will be my companion for now... how i wish i could block my tears from flowing.. Change me to be less emotional. I need a hug badly... a shoulder to rely on.. I'm so tired.. So tired to be going thru all this Sh** myself...

I have notice that no matter how much i try to put into a friendship or a close relationship, things will always turn out negative. It may be all nice and sweet at the first place.. but eventually it turns sour and i'm lost. People whom i treasured turn their back to me. I wonder can i really trust anyone anymore. Maybe i should just stop committing my whole heart into all relationship. I ask myself why, over and over again. Yet i still don't seems to understand why...

I avoid, I run, I tried to keep myself occupied by stuffing myself with work, I try to numb the sadness that was cause by the disappointment from the failed relationship. I tried umpteen time to comfort myself that there are always other around. No one can truly understand why i can't get over such 'small' matter.. Beneath that strong-willed face of mine, lies an emotional and fragile me.

That's why i said before, and truly it still stands strong in my heart. I'm not suitable for any relationship. Especially close ones. I shall take it slow.. this time around i will take it slow.

Depress or not, I will get over whats said and done. I'll respect all decision made. I need a break.. maybe some sort of isolation. I'm getting tired of all this sh**. Need some time to reflect upon myself. Will anyone be there to guide me?

Haven't had tears dripping over my cheeks for such a long time. This strange and familiar sensation brought back many memories.. good and not too good ones... TEars are my company tonight. Good night...

Still having bad cough.. but my voice is getting way better than before.. So before i get into my bed.. i wanna blog first.

Let's see...

Well, finally i went to the doc.. haha.. i just dun like to see doc. Cos i'm working for doc so i hate to see doc.. and of cos.. it cost money to see doc and i am saving for my bday party so here am i stingy for the money. BUt.... after many nagging from my pals. I surrender. I headed down to Nana's workplace for a checkup. Nice Dr Chan waived off the consultation fee for me. And i even get an MC.. Am thinking should i really take MC or just go back to work. My mum ask me to stay at home to rest. But i wonder should i... Haiz.. i guess it all depends whether i can wake up tml morning. hee..

Had finalise my bday catering.. OH.. goanna cost me a bomb.. but what to do.. all are my precious friend. Now i just have to confirm the list of friends coming. Also.. to come out with the wishlist haha.. SO bu yao nian... LOL.

Well, now i just want to be at the pink of health.. So weak ah april!!! Jia you hor...

Well, i'm bored at home.. Feel like going out But restless at the same time. Argh... Bored~

3 consecutive days sleeping at 1am finally broke my normal cycle of rest. I felt so restless the whole day. In fact i was so daze the whole day. I fell asleep almost all the time. LOL. Can't imagine rite? I was so tired, worn out, yet i have surgery to do. Damn. Maybe i was so bored and restless. So i did some stupid stunt. I took pics of me in the OT scrubs. whahaha... In the toilet. Kinda lame. What to do... This is just so me. MEmememememe... Ok, ok.. I know i'm crazy but u are not. So i not goanna pull all to join me.

Well, i have decided to book SRC for my 21st bday. Oh i can't wait man!! haha.. I couldn't believe how lucky i am to have good bud to intro me that place. Firstly, it's spacious and huge. Then, it has a great view and I dun need to pay for the room. All i need was to book the cathering from them.. YEah!! So i don't need to prepare.. haha.. *lazy bum* Now the only thing is to come out with the name list of invitation. I told my mum around 50 but i think i will excess that amount. My oh MY.. I think i will have to slowly eliminate those that are not so close to me ba.. Argh that can't work.. Cos i dun dare to de zhui anyone.. LOL.

When are u goin to paint your room wall???

April: erm.. maybe next month??

I don't think so..

April: Why??

Cos' you will be busy preparing your birthday.

April: Oh ya.. Then what to do?? Delay??

NO, ask your friends for help..

April: Ya.. so all my dear friends.. if u are free to help please let me know.. Be nice and volunteer to help this poor girl to paint her fantastic room. Of cos, there will be reward!!(Mysterious gift) So please please show your care and love and give a helping hand!!! =) hee..

My Valentine's day...

HAd to work as usual but was delighted as i knew that today was a special day to spend with soemone special. Ain't that exciting. Maybe not you all, but for me, I am glad i managed to get a date with my best pal Jen. Maybe everyone would thought that i would have a hot date with a cute looking guy, but i perfer to spend it with someone whom is close to heart.

We had an assumptious dinner at Waraco (IS it spelled like this?) JApanese cusine. It's so filling that we deiced to chat while we walked to the nearby clarke quay to enjoy the breeze and the ambience. Anyway, we had a great conversation. Time passes fast when we enjoyed ourselves. So i had to head home for i have work tomorrow.

Recieved many greetings from all my friends. Thank you all. HAppy Valentine's to All.

I need to get presents for my parents. Wonder what should i give them. *tHinking*
Argh, this month i'm broke with so many brithdays... HAiz.. luckily no dental appt this month.

I have finally get over whats over and I'm so proud of myself. *Proud-ish*
Clap, clap, clap....

I have 3 things to announce:

1. I have passed my Japanese test!! hUrray! ;)

2. I am feeling much much better now. Thanks for the concern.

3. I am so lerthagic.. waiting for the weekend to come!! YEah, i can almost smell it.

Oh lastly.. Hey Dearie nana.. Take care okie.. I know u toothache.. Sayang sayang.. Will meet up with you soon. Hope u will get better!

Well, there's a quote- 'It is by chance we met, by choice we became friends.' Yes, and choice are make by us-human being. I have made my choice clear. But it seems to me that my friend has chosen to forgo.

I'm depressed, knowing that she is not in a good state makes me even worst. I really wish i could do something. But all i could was nothing. Seeing and feeling her agony breaks my heart. U know how much u mean to me.. But does she really knows? Does she wants to open up and let herself know. Not exactly. I may have many friends, but still those who have stand by me and been thru my ups and downs are the ones that i most treasured. Maybe i have neglected u. Maybe i have not shown you enough love that i should have. I am truly disappointed with myself causing you so much hurt and depress.

I'm torned and hurted too. My vision starts to blur. My tears are welling up. there is this aching, throbing pain in my heart. As if my heart was to be broken into pieces. I have not had this feeling for a long time after my last relationship. It's tormenting me as her words continue lingering in my mind. ARGH~

I could like the rest, don't bother. But i have nv done so in my life. I try hard. I do.. maybe not as much as u thought i could but i did. (Sobbing.. )

My jap exam may not pass.. tml will know result.

My mood: TrasheD and tIred.

To my precious Jo:
'To mean something to somebody is one of the greatest satisfactions in life.'
Validivar

U mean so much to me.. pls take care.

I'm suppose to read thru my notes and memories.. but it's kinda boring.. and i just dun have the mood to study now.. Sure fail. Argh..

Received the letter from SIM for further study. I wonder can i really do it. I have be so use to the working life. I wonder can i really half study and work at the same time. I believe it's goanna be tough. I am still deciding whether should i get myself a degree.

Now, all that's in my head is weekend. How to spend my coming weekend.. Oh well, it's only monday.. my oh my.. Monday blues~

I am thinking should i sign up for the driving practical test soon. But kinda lonely.. I was thinking of having someone to learn with. Maybe March then sign up. By then all my courses are finishing. Easier for me to arrange..

Valentine day is coming.. what i want is all my friend to be happy. No matter single or attached. Just remember.. I love you~ Whahaha.. (Bordom cause me to go crazy.. Dun mind me)

5 more days to weekend. GRace is leaving on Sunday.. BOoo.. I am starting to miss you..

Well, my stupid com was down for days.. itching to blog.. and *tada* finally~ i could blog. YEAH!!! I had so much to say.. let see.. NEw year was spend by munching new year goodies.. outing with kakis and ktvs. Ang paos are getting lesser as i aged. I wonder how come when we are younger we get more money while we can't and unable to spend the money, and now that we are older, we get lesser and damn.. we are hoping more!!! Well, guess when we are younger money all return to our parents who need to feed us and give ang paos to other kids. haha.. what a vicious cycle of giving and returning.

Well, as usual i will hang out with my buddies.. Moi and dear dear went to sentosa to take beautiful photos of the flowers. Of cos the girls in the pics look even better.. whahaha.. All thanks to the camera man of the day- Shawny.

Went ktv and sing till my heart content with Jen on new year day and steve on 3rd day of new year. Oh well, it was really enjoyable.. I'm addicted to KTV!!! So feel like singing now.. alalalala...

Movies and movies.. Fun with dick and jane, fearless,north country. Woah.. i'm so xin fu.... Get to watch all those great movies all in the new year.. YEah!!! Yippi!!

How about impersonating ur friend's gf? Well, i just did!! haha.. it was hilarious! My friend told his mum that i'm mix malay and chinese?!? Imagine!! Me= malay+chinese.. uhuh..NO way!! If Me= Cheena + Nippon.. Still can pass la.. Can u imagine me speaking english all the way just to act that i'm malay? Ahahaha.. somemore, auntie is so innocent to believe i'm mixed. She kept asking me to eat and told me that they are all halal.. LOL. She is nervous and she's making me nervous. I just smile and said countless thanks to her. She is so sweet and friendly.. i felt bad lying to her. Afterall, she gave me a fat ang bao okie.. Im sure she liked me.. ahahaha.. she even invited me to go to their house more often. Can u believe that? However, it's nice to have someone like you and wants to treat you as a part of the family. His sis is cute.. i like her.. so sweet. Shy. His bro-handsome and shy. wahha.. what a day.

Waiyin's surprise party was a great success.. many came and of cos.. many said i have changed. There was the secondary school mates and JC's mates. I managed to catch up with my best pals and those whom are serving their NS. Great to see familar faces and we took many pics la.. ahaha. me and my cam of cos.. will upload all the pics some other time.. well happy birthday everyone!! It's ren ri.. YEA.. happy bday to me!!!! =)